How to Avoid Gossiping and Still Maintain Long-Term Friendships — Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Growing up as a child and teenager, I found it hard to have friends. One of the reasons why having friends was such a difficult adventure for me is that I don’t like to gossip. I don’t bother to tell someone what I don’t like upfront, because I am a very direct person. If I cannot say what I think about a person while they are present, I just keep it to myself when they are not there as well.

I think it is a waste of time to talk about someone while there are not there to help solve the problem they have caused, or to address a certain bad attitude they have maintained.

As a result, I used to stop any conversation in which people start to talk about someone that I knew to propose other subjects. If I wasn’t that confident to do this, I could be silent both during and after they have spoken about this person. There were instances in which I even went home without much explanation after someone started to talk about a person behind their back.

I used to take gossips very personally because I thought that a person who talked behind someone’s back had also done it to me as well.

I recently realized that my response to my exfriend’s gossips was not good, and my attitude was the main factor that play into my low capacity to maintain friendships.

My ex-friends’ occasional gossips didn’t make them bad people because gossiping is a very human practice.

It has been proved that gossiping is a common trait for all cultures, all ages, and genders. That is, pretty much everyone has done or taken part in at least one gossip during their life.

Besides, gossip is a type of communication that helps people create bonds. Because by talking about a person that the people you are talking to also know, you prove that you have some links with these people and that you are part of their circle.

Furthermore, you also demonstrate how intelligent and well connected you are by pointing out some particular thing that you know about the person about whom you are gossiping.

That means, gossip is apparently an interesting type of communication. However, it can have very harmful effects on people due to its flexibility regarding to truth and accuracy. This is why you need to avoid gossiping when it is possible, or at least try to reduce the drawbacks it can have on both your environment and you.

What should you do?

1. Don’t bring up conversations about someone who is not present

As I said in a recent article, coming up with information about someone who is not present increases the likelihood to lie about this person, even though you don’t want to. Because your vision and thought about them, or a situation they have been in, is generally different from what they have experienced.

If you don’t want to make them appear to be someone that they are not, at least, give them the chance to speak out for themselves by pointing out their behavior while they are present. You’d probably understand why they decided to do or act the way they did or help them change their behavior if they want to.

2. If it is necessary to talk about a person who is not present, try to balance your viewpoint

Many times, it is rather impossible to not talk about someone while they are not there. Sometimes it can even be advisable to speak about certain subjects about a person when they are not present.

Under this circumstance try to do it as objectively as possible. For example, if you are talking about a person that you think is being rude or violent, and you want to figure out with some other friends the reasons why they might act that way. As you are talking about them, try to bring up some potential positive (or ratter neutral) reasons that might explain their behavior.

You can think about some common facts, like they might have to handle some stressful situations, they might be in a very difficult moments in their life, their behavior might be a subconscious response to something bad that has happened repetitively, etc. You can even add that it’s your point of view, and that nobody needs to approve it or to stand for you if they don’t want to.

You don’t need to defend someone’s behavior (whether it’s bad or not) but trying to make them seems like a very bad person because they have only done something that have slightly affected you can even sound a bit selfish.

However, depending on the level of their action/behavior, some serious resolution could be necessary. That’s when talking with some friends can be necessary.

3. If someone starts to talk about someone while they are not present, try to let them know that it might not be the perfect moment to have such conversation

There are many strategies you can use to help remind your friends that they probably should talk about a specific subject while the person who’s concerned is there. For example, you can simply let them know that you have no idea about what your friend is talking about, and that they should figure it out with the person in question. Or you can only change the conversation slightly by referring to something that might make them forget the original conversation.

However, if you are convinced that they want to talk about this person for an important reason. Let them continue the conversation and listen to them. But don’t draw conclusions too quickly.

4. Don’t create friendships for the unique purpose of gossiping

Gossiping can happen every now and then, and you cannot prevent yourself from hearing them at times. Creating friendships for this unique purpose seems to be a waste of time. Besides, these relationships would probably be toxic for each one of its members and their environments.

Nevertheless, you can have a friendship for this purpose without even know this. In order to figure this out, you need to analyze your friendships and recall these elements: the types of conversations you have had; the projects that you have had together; the quality of supports you have shared to each other, the likelihood of you asking for their help in a difficult situation… Depending on the answers that you get, you’ll decide if it is worth maintaining these friendships.

But generally, friendships that have been created for gossiping purposes are very superficial. And in most cases, they don’t last many times because the members would probably gossip on each other in a regular basis.

5. If one of your friends brings a conversation about someone, and you think it is necessary, help them balance their viewpoint

You can balance their point by asking some questions (like, why do you think they did this? Have they done it before? Are they your friend? Do you want to still be their friend? How their action (or attitude) affects you personally? Are you still their friend? etc.) or by commenting (I thought you were friends, I thought you were still friends, etc.).

As your friend is trying to figure out the answers for these questions, they might realize if it is worth talking to you about this person or not.

Never tell bad things about a person without feeling like saying them yourself. Telling bad things about someone because a friend tells you to (or wants you to), only decreases your self-esteem and makes you a bad person to be friend with during both worst and best circumstances.

Remember that no matter of our personality traits, deep inside we know that sometimes we don’t need friends who always agree with us. Even if some of us find it easier to hang out with them, however in very complex situations we would be inclined to come to those who know how to challenge us to be a better person. Because we need friends that can help us figure out the right path to take when it is difficult to decide. And sometimes a “no” can be the best answer to give to a friend that you love.

How to Avoid Gossiping and Still Maintain Long-Term Friendships