Why I Hate Living in Montana!

Image by David Mark from Pixabay

I moved to Montana in 1993 thinking I would live the utopian lifestyle I’d always dreamed of. Not so. Here are some of the reasons I hate living in Montana.

The People of Montana

The people here suck. They’re always smiling and tell me “Hi” when they don’t even know me. They seem obsessed with making eye contact.

I’m used to people looking at the ground while they walk. A grunt if they acknowledge you at all.

Business owners are the worst they actually pretend to be happy I’m in their place of business when I know I’m an interruption of what they’d rather be doing. What phonies.

Even the police look at you like you’re innocent. Now that’s scary.

One of them even offered me a doughnut once. This just doesn’t compute.

There’s Too Much Wildlife

You can’t swing a cat in Montana without hitting a deer, or elk, or moose, or some other huge creature.

They should really fence all these beasts off in some wilderness area and charge admission.

I’m not used to having my morning coffee watching a herd of deer trotting down my street. We even had a bear in the high school. What’s up with that?

There’s No Professional Sports Teams

Apparently, you must have a large population to have a professional sports team in your state.

I guess being the fourth largest state in the union and only six people per square mile we don’t qualify.

There are more deer than people here.

Our college football team did play for a national championship. I guess that accounts for something.

What could I have possibly been thinking when I made this move?

Traffic Is A Nightmare

Montana used to be the only state without a speed limit.

If you did get stopped, you paid the cop $5 and went on your way. No ticket and nothing on your driving record.

There’s no rush hour in Montana. At best we have a rush fifteen minutes. Who has time for that?

We just got those rentable scooters in our city.

Now I have to be on the lookout for those darting in and out of traffic along with bicyclists and the pedestrians who apologize for walking in front of my car even when they have the right of way.

Geez that’s infuriating.

There’s Nothing To Do In Montana

You drive five minutes, and you see what Lewis and Clark saw.

Oh, sure you can hunt, and flyfish the best streams in the nation, golf, ski, ice skate, hike, bike, camp or visit some of the best museums in the country.

Not to mention all the musical acts and concerts that come through all summer long. It’s a nightmare.

Marriage In Montana

While having one of the lowest divorce rates in the nation you don’t even have to be in the state to get married here.

Montana has a “proxy marriage” law that says two people in Montana can stand in for you and you can be married anywhere in the world by proxy. Wow.

So, if your fiancé is overseas in the military and you live in California and you want to get married two people in Montana will stand in for you, take the vows and Wala you’re married.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Some Final Thoughts

If you’re thinking of moving to Montana, I hope I’ve given you sufficient information to rethink that possibility.

Bears in the high school should be enough.

If you come here, you’ll just bring all the bad things about your state with you and make things worse.

So please, stay where you are fighting high prices, crime, drugs, gangs, unbridled immigration, and traffic. You’ll be much happier than looking at the Big Sky.

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