The One I Didn't See Coming is Gone

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Yours was a delicate whisper. A breath so subtle, I did not hear it the first time. Unassuming. Gentle. Unexpected. Wrapped up in the whirlwind of betrayal, I saw nothing else. In the midst of chaos, you were easy to overlook.

You see, I had sworn off relationships, possibly for life. The long-term effects of an abusive entanglement coloured my view of commitment. The cost of being in love far outweighed any and all benefits I could gain.

In moments of reflection, I considered taking a vow of celibacy. In chastity, there would be no heartbreaks.

But something about you made me reconsider my decision. Maybe it was because you had been here all along. You had seen me through life’s seasons. In our shared past, we built a friendship based on common experiences.

Maybe it was because I had come to an acceptance on that particular day. I had realised the past was long gone. It was time to move into the future. Maybe I considered you could be a part of that new life.

Or maybe it was the effects of a long day coupled with the shots of gin and tonic. Who knows?!

Whatever it was, I saw you in a different light that day.

When you leaned in and kissed me, it felt so right.

You saw me for who I was, not for my circumstances.

I know it’s cliched but I will say it anyway; my life changed when you came into it. You brought a spark to my days I didn’t know was missing.

I took longer to get ready in the mornings, paying more attention to my make-up and clothes. I’d find myself smiling for no reason throughout the day. I’d run to my phone each time it beeped; counting the hours till I saw you again.

Our friendship turned into a heartwarming romance. A romance filled with belly laughs, late-night conversations and lazy Sundays. My unexpected love filled me with hope, good food and a sense of safety I’d thought lost forever.

I know you caught me staring at you several times. All those hours I’d spent building walls around my broken heart had been in futility. The vows I had made on self-love and focusing on my career were in vain.

I had found love after heartbreak.

But the ground I stood on was shaky

It was too weak to hold the foundation of a new life with you.

As a habitual overthinker, the alarm bells started to go off. The negative thoughts would loop in my mind, setting off my self-preservation instincts.

‘What makes you think this will last? What’s going to be different this time?’ ‘You are better off alone. You can’t handle another broken heart’.

Because to accept that you could love me, for me, was an idea I could not grasp. How could you love me at a time like this? When I carried a load I did not know how to set down. When reality had become mired in deceit; twisted to favour a few.

It’s not you, it’s me

Too afraid to admit my fears to you, I made you out as the bad guy. I gave you the silent treatment. I read your messages. I scrolled through your social media accounts for evidence. I looked for something, anything to justify why I needed to leave.

I feared investing my energy and time in you. To give me to you with no guarantee. I dreaded the idea of loss. To have to start over with someone else when ours ended.

I dared not venture into familiar terrain.

I have come this far alone

You filled the void I carried, too fast, too soon. You were a firehose. I needed a cup of water.

When you showed up, ready to run beside me, I shuddered.

I feared that you were passing through, that you wouldn’t see me to the finish line. I dreaded that I would lack the final kick I needed to get to the other side when you left.

I will sing another sad love song

I will go back to what I know. To lean on the shoulders of the familiar, no matter how many times they let me down.

I will let you go. I will let go of the fantasy of what could have been. I will let go of what you wanted me to be.

I will learn to love the woman I see in the mirror. The person you fell in love with. The one who's broken heart shattered when she lost you.

I wasn’t ready to date again. I wasn’t ready emotionally. I didn’t know dating was going to trigger the fear and anxiety of an abusive relationship. I didn’t know it was going to be this hard. I didn’t know I was going to face loneliness and feelings of unworthiness with someone I had known for so long.