I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I got raped.
As I was always told not to roam around freely, I was advised that the night is not meant for me. I was aware of the perils waiting outside, so, I did not go out in the dark. I swear I didn't.
I was at home, in my room, on my bed, peacefully asleep, when suddenly I felt a hand on my breast and I started to mumble something in my sleepy voice. The feeling was similar to burying me under debris.
Feeling the pain, I started crying. Then, he said that if I shout, everyone will shame me, because this is happening to me. He said that my parents will disown me, no one will play with me, and I won't get any chocolates to eat.
So I kept quiet. I did not want to lose so many things at once. But the pain was so severe that I couldn't take it and I fainted, in my room, on my bed.
But why was this happening to me? What was the fault? Whose mistake it was?
After the assault was over, I realized, it was my fault. I wore a frock and slept peacefully on my bed. I had made myself look so tempting that this was due to me.
How can he be at fault? He was a fifty-year-old man, mature enough to understand that I'm asking for it, giving him signals to do so, and so, he did what I deserved, I wanted. He was not at fault.
Later, I was found unconscious, lying in a pool of blood. My parents took me to the hospital, scared and guilty at the same time. There they were told that I was raped, in my room, on my bed.
But since I was just a five year old, all blamed the fifty-year-old man, labeling him as the rapist. My health was restored and I came back home, kept in tight security.
As I grew up, I kept hearing about rapes on the news. I also noticed people saying - "it's the girl's fault", "ladki hath se nikal gai", "she must have had done something to get raped", "boys are like this, girls should behave themselves".
This means, when 12 years back I was raped, then it was my fault. I wore a frock, I slept on the bed, inside my room, and most importantly I had a vagina, everything was my mistake. And I felt ashamed of myself that how could I do this.
How could I have a vagina, an immature breast and roam free? How can the women wear short dresses revealing their arms and legs? How can I and they make such a mistake?
Obviously, men will come and rape them; like that one raped me, that night. It was only because I was a kid that he was blamed. But what if I was a grown up? Would I also be counted as a slut?
My parents might not have believed me. And you, the society would have had judged me. But back then also I was a girl and today also I'm a girl.
I was raped when I was five years old. Another woman on the news was raped when she was 25. I also had a vagina then, she had it now. Maybe like I asked for it then, she asked for it now.
I wore a frock which revealed my legs. She wore a ‘salwar kameez’ which revealed not even a bit of her beautiful body. Then how come she asked for it and I didn't?
I think you people just blamed my rapist by mistake. If this 25-year-old lady is at fault for being raped so was I. Therefore, I'm sorry.
Thanking you for being so polite and kind for forgiving me.
Yours at Fault,
Just another rape victim.