Last week, while browsing social media, I came across a post on twitter I could not ignore, I had to comment. The writer of the post was narrating how he had lost the woman he intended to marry in a road accident. He had the compassion of most people in his comments, unfortunately, he did not have mine. This gentleman had been dating two women at the same time and manipulated them with his money – both women were unemployed and from what he had written, they had no financial support. He would narrate how at certain points in the relationship, he would intentionally withdraw money to see how these women would act. He also wrote how he liked one woman more than the other but did not choose her in the end because she failed a secret test he put both women through – once again, he dangled money and watched how they would act so he could choose one to marry. He finally settled on the woman who would unfortunately died in an accident later – the deciding factor was that he gave both women money and she started a small business with it. He would narrate how this woman told him that she decided to start a business because the last time he withheld money, she was left in a bad place. He did not have my sympathy because he was a psychopath who used money to manipulate women into showing him affection. My shock was the number of men in his comments commending him and alluding to using this method in their futuree relationships.

While I understand that there are women who make a career out of seeking out men with money to live off, from what this person had posted on twitter, it seemed these girls, especially the one that died in the car accident had fallen on hard times and he capitalised on that to manipulate them. I wondered if this man would date a woman that was accomplished and making her own money. I bet you he wouldn’t – because if he did, who would be playing ‘god’ over? Several men in the comments defended his action – with some going as far to state that marrying a woman is like purchasing new clothes or cars. They justified that a man must try several and settle on a couple from which a final choice can be made. Shocking, right? When I tried to challenge these views, I was faced with opposition, some from women. One particular topic that came up was this notion that men paying dowries equated to purchasing a wife. While many in my culture would argue that it was simply a token, the comments on this post showed how most men viewed dowries and what it meant to them. It was this practice of ‘purchasing’ a wife that had created the term “wife material” and many would use this term for the deceased lady, because she had used the money given her to start something that would bring her income unlike the other lady who had purchased a new phone. However, I think this unfortunate girl used her money for a business because she did not want a future where someone would manipulate her with money – he even stated that she was not calling as frequently after she started her business.

The term ‘wife material’ has led many women down a path of living their lives for the purpose of appealing to a man so he can make them a wife. I am not opposed to being a wife at all but I am against a culture that makes it seem like a woman is worth nothing unless she is married and that the choice to marry is not hers but rather a man’s decision to choose her based on how ‘marriageable’ she is. What happened to finding companionship and looking for qualities in a person that matched our core beliefs? From reading this twitter post, this guy was more attracted to the woman who had used her money to purchase a new phone, and admitted to loving her more than the woman he was planning to marry. But he would test both – I am not sure exactly what he was testing them for – but it is this notion that one must have a perfect woman to wife that gave him the audacity to waste the time of two women so he can choose the best. I wondered what the comments would have been had a woman done this – but in this instance he was being praised for toying with the emotions of two people. So it got me thinking – are women also making sure men are good ‘husband materials’ before they agree to marry them? And if women were to scrutinise men like some do when choosing a wife, what would the criteria be? Well, I came up with three that I think must be on every woman’s list of what a good husband material should not be;

1) He leaves you confused

An aspect of this twitter post that got me angry was the fact that this guy would ghost these women for weeks to see if they would move onto other men. I am all for women making their own money and paying for themselves so they don’t find themselves in these types of situations but sometimes life happens and both men and women can find themselves in situations where they have no income stream. Whoever is making money in the relationship should not use money as means to control the other person. Could you imagine the confusion these women would have gone through – to have someone withhold support and communication without any provocation? The confusion they would have gone through wondering if they did anything wrong and all the while, this person was simply playing god! The lies he admitted to telling both women when they questioned him if there was another woman and him denying – but I am sure all the signs would have been there but these women would have been questioning themselves and distrusting themselves in the process. Ladies, if he is leaving you confused, he is not a good husband material, let him go. Also, if you are not making any income, do not look for a man to take care of your every need, he is not your dad – go out and look for a job!

2) He leaves you feeling unloved

The writer of the twitter post describes how one of his girlfriends after taking the money he gave them – which they did not ask for – decided to use the money to start a small business because she was not sure if he would withhold support like he had done several times. She clearly did not feel loved enough to discuss his behaviour and how it had affected her. I wonder if he had spoken to her to find out why she was unemployed and if he had helped her at all in finding work. I am beginning to wonder if he chose these women because they did not have jobs so he could use his money to manipulate them. The lady he claimed he was going to marry was afraid to tell him about the business she had started because she felt he would be embarrassed by the work she was doing – clearly, this woman did not feel loved. She was just a pawn on the chess board of this emotional abuser – I wonder if she would have stayed in this relationship had her economic situation changed and she had not died so tragically. Love is not only the affection we show the people we are with but it is also the support and encouragement we give each other towards being better versions of ourselves. If you are embarrassed or afraid to share a legitimate area of your life with someone who claims to love you, then examine their actions and not their words. Ladies, if he is leaving you feeling unloved, he is not a good husband material.

3) He leaves you to put in all the effort

The guy in the story was not putting much effort in his relationship with these ladies. He was simply throwing money at them and sitting back to see who would put in enough effort to merit his affection. I see so many women lose themselves in their bid to be good enough to be wifed – they go to great lengths to prove that they can be good at whatever it is that society demands a wife to be. When asked what a man is bringing to the table, most of them can never tell you what it is they are bringing. If traditional female roles had a price tag to them, most women who find themselves in these situations would see that they bring so much more to the table than what society has conditioned them to believe. I once dated someone who constantly accused me of behaving like I did not need a man – when I questioned what he had offered as a man that I had refused, he told me I had not created the space for him to offer anything! It left me confused for while because I was not sure what he was talking about. After making time for him on several occasions and him simply not being willing to put in the work, he put the blame on me. You do not need to make space for anyone to offer what they want to give – when one see’s that what is being offered ties in with thier values and what they are looking for, they will naturally make space and vice versa. Ladies, if he leaves you to put in all the effort, he is not a good husband material.

There were comments on this post that accused women of mostly having the option of choosing from a group of suitors – and I get that, but if a woman had posted that she was dating multiple men to be certain that she made the right choice on whom to marry, would the comments be as supportive of her bahviour? When it comes to morality it seems women are held to higher standards. By all means, be a good wife material if that is what you believe in, but please make sure that you are being all that to a good husband material. And ladies, please secure your own bag – make sure that you are making your own money and putting plans in place to make sure you are financially secured so you do not find yourself being manipulated and controlled by anyone. And to the men, when looking for a good wife material, make sure you are a good husband material yourself. Ladies, this is not set in stone, feel free to add to the list whatever works for you.

Thank you for taking time to read, comment and share your stories – lets effect the change we need by sharing our experiences.

Let’s talk about husband material, shall we!