Five People To Hire After An Awful Break-Up

A break-up is always a tragedy. You wallow, eat junk, drink too much, and try to feel better. It’s tough. But it doesn’t have to be! You can come up with a brilliant plan to feel better instantly.

Without further ado, I present to you a list of five people you should hire after a break-up. Each of them will bring light into your life and sit on a balcony with you, sipping Margaritas and talking about how awful your ex was.

Number One: Social Media Guru

The world needs to know you’re doing fine. It doesn’t matter if you are; what matters is colorful and pretty photos of you on Instagram. Hire a social media guru who will teach you how to make your Insta profile extra fake and shiny. They are also full of advice on how to pose before your phone so that no one could tell you just cried for an hour. You will learn a lot of valuable concepts, including how to look extra seductive for your followers. Maybe you can even seduce your ex’s best friend and get your revenge. Flex those lips!

A social media guru is an expert on Instagram and all platforms. They will teach you how to take proper Tik-Toks. Don’t worry; you can do it! You can cry and sob between the takes, but not while filming. In case you can’t stop crying, the guru will show you how to look pretty when you cry — it might go viral.

Number Two: Shady Witch

Let’s face it: you’ll try to get back together with your ex sooner or later. There’s a good chance they wouldn’t be willing to accept you back, which means you’ll need help from a professional! Hire a shady witch who will teach you dark magic and even lots of illegal stuff.

Your ex doesn’t want to get back together? No sweat. The shady witch has dedicated her entire life to wizardry and witchcraft. She will show you how to prepare a proper love potion and slip it into your ex’s drink. If it fails — at least you’ll give your ex diarrhea, which is revenge on its own.

Don’t keep the shady witch for too long, though. What if she develops feelings for you? Remember: that woman knows her way around love potions. Buyer beware!

Number Three: Glam Squad with James Charles

Whether you want your ex back or choose to look for a new love, you need to look your best. Retaining a glam squad is a must. You must get a full-fledge makeover to attract a new “pray.” At the very least, you will look dashing in Instagram photos.

Getting James Charles might be a challenge: he’s incredibly busy. But we love a challenge! You might need help from both the social media guru and the shady witch for this. The guru will do his magic through social media, and the witch will devise a potion to make James Charles appear before your eyes. Teamwork!

Number Four: Skillful Sniper

If all your efforts fail, you can always hire a sniper. I mean, your ex was super awful, right? The challenge with a sniper is they will charge a lot of money for their services. Besides that, legal issues will present themselves at a later date. I mean, you hate your ex greatly, but going to jail is not worth it.

Number Five: French Sommelier

This is the group's most critical person and possibly your entire life. The Sommelier will teach you the difference between good and bad wine. But let’s face it: you will drink the $5-bottle anyway and cry while watching a romantic movie.

After a while, the Sommelier will get tired of you and try to quit. This is when you use your charm and convince him to stay by getting him drunk. He’s now yours, and you can cry together! Make sure you don’t leave him alone with the shady witch, though, as they might fall in love and run into the sunset.

The French Sommelier is now your best friend. He will be there for you if the other four fail at their job. No one needs a love potion or an Insta page when there is wine.

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Break-ups are awful, but it gets better! Get all the help you need from everyone around you — and you’ll be fine.