Do you ever feel like you’re drowning? Ever been a prisoner to your own thoughts?
Looked at the ceiling fan for hours in the end but couldn’t fall asleep? If yes, that’s a feeling of depression.
You know, I’ve always been told that I should snap the depressing feeling out and more often than not, I feel the same way.
But depression doesn’t work like that. Depression in youth is a hard, long and persistent battle.
I repeat, a battle
While most people equate the feeling of depression with just an ever-present sadness, depression is actually more crushing in reality.
It not just hinders our perspective on most things in life but also has a crippling effect on all our five senses.
Depression for me was like being caught up in the wrong place at the wrong time, all the time.
The feeling of depression made me feel like a cactus sitting in the chilly morning breeze, just incongruent and inconsequential.
I’d get so caught up in my own head that at times, I’d forget there was a world outside my bedroom.
And when I did realize that life was still abuzz around me, I couldn’t find the motivation to actually go forward and grasp that ray of sunshine that I needed to heal.
That’s what living felt like, an endless cycle of hopelessness
Every time I’d hear a compliment, my brain would automatically begin to taunt me, playing my past mistakes on a rerun, and reminding me everything that I did wrong.
The feeling of depression was always with me like my shadow. I wished so many times that I could switch it off, forget, and move on.
I wished to not be riddled by this pain that bore heavy on my heart, keeping me awake at night, making me feel worthless.
Sometimes, I still wish the same
But lately, I have been starting to feel that depression is more of a superpower, albeit with a few side effects.
Every time, I feel this self-doubt raising its ugly head within me, I also feel this unhindered pure energy within me.
Usually, this energy dictates me to mutilate everything in my sight, and when I cannot inflict destruction on the outside world, I turn within.
I dwell on how I could damage myself.
That’s where I drew the line
I was almost on the brink of taking my life when I realized that it was not me but my feeling of depression fuelling these suicidal tendencies.
I was caught in a paradox of wanting to inflict more pain on myself and at the same time, releasing myself from that pain.
That’s when I started wondering what would happen if I was to put this energy, strong and unbridled, to good use?
This energy, which made me immune to self-mutilation to the extent where even death did not scare me, could be put to do something positive instead.
The feeling of depression supplied energy for regeneration
This revelation opened so many doors for me. There were so many opportunities that I had never even thought of exploring.
Now, I battle with depression to let me see the brighter side, instead of letting me wallow in self-pity every day.
I wouldn't lie and say that I don’t have days where I still break down. Most days feel bleak and I question my very existence.
But now, any time I tell someone I have depression, and they tell me to snap out of it, I know in my heart that this is not a flaw in me.
It gives me a guilty pleasure to think I have more endurance than most, that I’m a super-human.
Yes, a superhuman
In fact, everyone who is battling depression is superhuman. It is an unavoidable part of youth, and so, depression in youth is so common.
Those who know how to utilize this feeling of depression, incurred in their youth, for positive reasons, will definitely win the battle.
It is true that battling depression is a hard, long and persistent journey. But it’s not a difficult one.
Like you, even I am trying to make it through, one day to the next, hoping that tomorrow would be a brighter day.
The article is contributed by Sameer Khan, who is a young author and poet.