Entry 3: What Remains?

Dear Diary,

I have an interesting relationship with trauma. Obviously, part of that relationship is dislike. I don't like the fact that I have any (lol who does!). But part of it is definitely friendly. There's a familiarity that comes with it. The problem with that is that I often fall into this role as a "victim of circumstance." I hold on to all these things and then I blame it all on this thing that happened or that thing that happened, and it's hindered my ability to grow. Because when you're always playing the victim, you don't have any time to be the hero. You can't be this strong person who saves the day, when you've already told yourself that you were too weak to handle anything.

So, today diary I'm asking the question of "what remains" because I am utterly terrified of not knowing who I am without being the damsel in distress. Being the victim has been a safe space for me, I haven't had to do anything really because I always had the excuse of "well bad things happened to me" and when I no longer have that excuse, I don't know if I'll like the person that's left.

The truth is that I lack discipline. I'm someone who wants to be great, who wants great things, but when it comes to working to achieve that end, I shy away. I procrastinate, I goof off, I cave into instant gratification and the worst part is I like to do it, I like to just be a man of leisure. In my head, I want to be this Type A, highly motivated, highly organized person, but that just isn't my reality. So, when I no longer have this excuse that my laziness is because of this victimhood I experience, will I have the spirit to be someone who can change their lives?

The honest truth is I don't know, but the optimistic truth is that I want to try, I want to have one last fight to decide it all. To decide if I'm going to be a person who let's life happen to them or if I'll be someone who can pull himself together enough to actually take care of himself, to nurture himself. Thank you for listening Diary.

Sincerely,