Entry 2: Letting Go Is Hard to Do

Dear Diary,

I often struggle with the concept of letting go. I often think it has a lot to do with my ego, I don't want to let go because that would be admitting that wrongs trespassed against me are meaningless, that no one has to care about them. I often feel like when I hold on to a grudge I'm honoring my past self, my inner child, I'm carrying out his vengeance, but I'm really just keeping my mind and emotions in the pains of the past. So, Diary, I want to work on letting go. I want to be able to accept apologies I've never gotten; I want to be able to let the past be the past.

With old friends and lovers, it's easy, those are people I most likely won't see again, but with family... it's almost impossible. Every day is a struggle not to hold on to old wounds, to hard hits to the heads, drunken tirades, vicious fights. I can remember every name I've been called; I can remember how my health was used as an insult, I can remember each time I was made to feel less than. How do you let that go? How do I fix the way my body tenses up when my mother tries to hug me? How do I fix the fact that I can't even look my brother in the eye? How do I stop clenching my fists when my dad shows any sign of anger?

The sad truth that I never accept is that I'm going to have to act as though nothing has ever happened. I'm going to have to act like I'm in a soap opera and it's my turn to have the "amnesia storyline" and then comes the hard part. I'm going to have to treat each and every single one of them with unconditional love. I'll have to stop withholding stop trying to get payback, and that crushes me. It feels like I'm giving up on that little boy who wanted to be strong enough to fight back, but that little boy has poisoned my reality, he's made me treat every day like a fight, and now I'm tired of fighting.

For me, letting go will have to be choosing love. Choosing to be a being so full of love that no amount of past resentment can change my heart. It will mean trying harder, listening more, choosing the high road. When I think of the actual work that will take, I see why people choose to be bad people, why they choose to give into their worst impulses, because doing otherwise is work. Love is truly a labor.

So here's my resolve. My family was trying the best they could, it's what all of us do. They didn't get everything right, but neither do I. They didn't get everything wrong either, and I'll start to give them their credit for that. I will show them the grace and love that I wish they had shown me. No longer a fighter, but a lover. Thank you for listening Diary.

Sincerely,