Entry 19: The Miseducation of a Diary Writer

Dear Diary,

It's no secret at this point that I feel as though I haven't had a fair shake, I mean I scream it from the rooftops every chance I get. However, I think I both underestimate and overestimate just how much my upbringing affects me. I've always been incredibly sheltered, which is why I'm realizing that the reason I'm always in doubt about how to live a great life is because I haven't really been exposed to much, and even once I had the freedom to, I still chose to stay within my shell. I've always looked at this as a disadvantage, but lately, as I've focused on being more confident and positive, I know that people wish, hope, and pray for a blank slate like I have.

I had to ask myself today, If I just think I've been taught all the wrong things, what exactly is stopping me from learning something new?! I've been more than lackadaisical in pouring into myself, and I've always blamed the fact that no one loves me or puts me first as the reason I'm always so depressed and without energy to do anything, but the truth is that I'm too scared to do anything alone, to be my own support system, because I have no faith in myself.

My biggest battle has been with myself. It started young, feeling like my mom put my brother first, that my dad couldn't care less, that my friends kept coming and going, that no one was interested in being my lover. I never felt like I deserved to be treated well, because no one ever treated me the way I expected, and even in adulthood I still find that people can get very easily irritated with me. I had it made up in my mind that no one loved me and I hate that I added myself to the list.

I want to take my clean slate an fill it with and education that leaves me feeling like a person who will pour into themselves. Starting with my inner voice. It was taught wrong, it looked around and thought it had to echo the sentiments of those around me, but I now know better. My inner voice should be my inner cheerleader and that's what it will be. Tomorrow begins a test of whether or not I will make it in this world, if I'll be able to be someone who can take care of themselves and fight for themselves. Until I become that person, I'll keep you posted Diary! Thank you for listening.

Sincereley,