Dear Diary,

I've been trying to figure "it" out lately. That proverbial "it," that thing that's supposed to click and show you how to live life the "right way." I don't think it's anyone's surprise that I've been coming up blank. I know that the only thing that stops me is myself, however, I don't know how to stop, stopping myself. I know that sentence is comedically hilarious, but the problem remains that I just can't get out of my own way.

I've moved past self-deprecation, the world (and my family) is already hard enough on me, I do not need to add a call coming from inside the house. However, at times it feels like if I'm too nice to myself, I just let too many things fall by the wayside. I'm trying to find a way to balance giving myself grace, while also being able to hold myself accountable for my actions, or lack thereof.

As I've reflected on what it is that may keep me going, I've often turned to trying to team up with people, finding accountability partners and what not, but the further I probe, and the more I still do nothing I have to wonder if maybe that's apart of my problem as well.

I want someone to come in and do the work for me, or at least make it easier for me to do, and that is just another form of procrastination, which is an expression of my need to control everything. I don't want to put the work in because that puts me at the mercy of "the process." I'll have to be vulnerable to ideas not working out, or to learning a new skill, or dealing with rejections, and I'm too much of a coward to be that open.

And that cuts right down to the root of things. I am afraid to be open, but at the same time I want a village of support around me. That's just not how life works, because for me to expect the aid of a village, I would first have to be a contributing village member. Again, I have to put the work in, I have to make strides to be the best me every day. For right now, my village, should be myself. It should be becoming someone who can contribute positively to the world at large. But that starts with me and it has to be a me thing. It's really hard to accept, but I have to grow up and do the work...until next time Diary.

Sincerely,

Entry 18: Finding My Tribe