Entry 15: Battling With Change

Dear Diary,

If it's one thing in life that I've absolutely, never cared for, it would have to be endings. I've always hated that things have to come to an end, or that they have to change or shift. It never felt fair that at times life can feel absolutely perfect and then suddenly take a drastic shift for the worse, or if not for the worst, it shifts in a way that makes you feel lost and unfamiliar. I can remember times when I felt on top of the world and just being honest, I've wanted those moments to last forever.

Last year, I had to do a lot of growing up, and unfortunately, I've come to the realization that life changes, and it's the decisions we make that decide if we're going to be able to be malleable to those changes or if we become stagnant in the face of them. I don't want to be stagnant anymore, I want to live, and living means I have to take chances, be open to new experiences, new opinions, and new challenges. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I've discovered that I can't have it my way all the time.

I'm trying to change, to be a person who is more patient, more mature, and less ego driven. I've spent a lot of years in my head, analyzing and trying to control everything, and all it's left me is drained and confused. But, as I get older, the vision is clearing up. I see now that my only assignment is to live a life of no regrets. So, diary, I'm making a promise to me and you that this year will be a year of work. No more talking aimlessly, no more blame game, I want this to be the year that I dedicate everyday to being the best ME I can be without centering success or fame and fortune. I'm taking the pressure off of myself while also giving 100% to fulfilling my dreams.

I would be a liar if I said I wasn't scared. I've never been the grown up, I've been a firework, burning bright, fast and loud, but I'm done with that. I don't want to be the firework, I want to be the flame, strong, sustaining, but most of all WARM! I want to be so warm and full of life that my environment has no choice but to reflect ME! Thank you diary, as always, for listening!

Love,

Me!