Entry 14: New Year, New Revelations

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year Diary! I hope it's been a good one for you, because for me, not so much. I always get the blues right around this time, the new year, the biggest calling card for the setting of goals and visualizing for the future. Two things I absolutely cannot stand, because for me setting goals are just waiting to see how long until I give up on them and visualizing the future means looking so far ahead, I overwhelm myself and trigger my crippling anxiety. So, this year, I played it cool, I didn't even truly celebrate, I told myself that if I don't focus on being some whole new person then I just wouldn't have such big pressure to accomplish all these big new things. I hate to admit this, but I was so completely wrong.

Now, one thing that's important to know is that I'm always right, even when I'm wrong (lmao). I still feel like I can't put the pressure on myself to just conquer this year and be this brand-new person who can just do anything. But I also do have to be new in some fashion. Things remain the same because we attempt to change while still operating in the same capacities. As you all know, that is the textbook definition of insanity. I won't ever break into a new cycle if I keep up the old ones.

Now I am not new to revelations Diary, I have about 10 epiphanies a week (lol). But this is different, I'm starting to become jaded with the life I've lived and I want to do it differently. So, being realistic, I now only have one goal, to be at peace. When I look back over my life, the one common thread has been a lack of peace. Whether it was my defensive anger issues forcing me to pick fights with everyone, my crippling anxiety causing my body to always feel tight, or my insecurities making me feel like no one loves or cares about me, I've never known peace.

So, this year, there is no fancy resolutions, there are no big goals, this is the year of fuck it. I will only be focusing on maintaining peace of mind, and surviving to grow another day! Thank you for listening diary, I have a feeling we'll be talking a lot more!