Entry 12: Fighting a Never-Ending War!

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry it's been so long, but the honest truth is that I haven't had the strength to do anything besides try and get rest. Some believe the hardest thing to do in life is to face hard truths, I know that the hardest thing to do is run from those truths, to pretend that it doesn't exist and that you can continue on without addressing them at all. So today, Diary, I'll need you to listen closely, because I want to address the hard truths I've been facing lately.

I Have No Village:

I'm always talking about it, but my family life sucks. They've always been the people in this world that does the meanest, nastiest, ugliest things to me. This isn't new though, the hard truth I have to admit is that growing up with them has hindered me in a way that no one really has ever loved me deeply because I am so guarded. I just recently had a spat with friends and what it taught me is that I'm not a figure that garners sympathy, and as much as I've wanted to say that it's because I'm "so strong" or because "they're jealous" the truth is that from a very young age the only way I felt I could win is to LOOK LIKE I was ok and nothing ever bothered me, so now even when in distress people don't ever think I'm truly hurting. So, I have no village, there is no one who truly cares for or concerns themselves with me.

I'm Insane:

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I'm guilty of this, I've tried so many times to try and treat relationships in my life like what they should be vs what they currently are. However, there's also this element of me that refuses to take the steps to become independent and be able to remove myself from the environments I don't find conducive to a healthy state of mind. I feel as though I can continue to rely on people and then I get disappointed when they don't live up to my expectations. I can't continue to do the same things and believe that there will be change and growth.

I'm My Own Worst Enemy:

At the root of it all, the common denominator is me. I wasn't raised in a "right way" and that's what it is. But what begins to frustrate me, about myself, is that I refuse to do better than that miseducation. I want to be better; I want to be stronger and more mature. My next move is that I will do things differently and stop hanging onto ideologies that I've formed in an unhealthy environment. I will do better, I will win more battles, because I am tired of being in a never-ending war with myself, and I'm tired of never knowing peace. I devote myself to better, to showing myself and others more grace, to thinking twice before I react, and to making sure to always put me first. Thank you for listening Diary.

Sincerely,