Entry 11: A Vacation From Vacation!

Dear Diary,

Sorry it's been so long; I was on a vacation. Not really of the tropical or international variety, but nonetheless it was a change from the routine. A chance to kick back and relax. After returning though I do have to admit that I felt a little guilty. You see upon return I felt a very familiar feeling creep up, my inability to exit "vacation mode." I tortured myself for a few days over that one until I realized that I never really leave vacation mode.

I told you before diary that I've often considered myself a loser, and a lot of it has to do with my lack of work ethic. I don't have that inner shark in me that it seems like most successful people do, the thing that just allows people to GET AFTER IT. I have more of a lush in me (lmao!). I like to lay around drinking wine and thinking thoughts of fashion and food. Life doesn't often set us up to live leisurely though and so it comes to a point that I have to fight my natural instinct. So, in short, I need to take a vacation from vacation!

Unpacking the Luggage:

Let's just say I had a genie in the bottle, and I get this one magic wish, I've always thought that I would turn myself into a full "Type A." I mean like clothes color coordinated in the closet, organized digital files of all of my pictures and projects, waking up at the crack of dawn to work out and make green smoothies! My fantasies were always to be a way higher performing individual. Although the reality of performing that high, for me at least, has always been a hard crash. Again, the shark just isn't in me, but I do want it to be.

If I had to peg down where it (the laziness, uh, it hurts to say!) stems from, it's probably my victim syndrome. I'm very sensitive and so when I'm hurt, I'm devastated. And, when I was younger, all that hurt swirled around, it elicited rage, and fear, and the want for retribution, but most of all it elicited a need for it to be someone's fault.

So, I played the victim, and the thing about that part is that it definitely comes with rules. You can't ever be anything else, it sticks to you, and it travels into other parts of your life. I'm not just a victim of my past trauma, I'm a victim of my large dreams, of bad service, of shitty schools. Everything is someone else's fault, so I never really get to the point where I take accountability and that's set me back, left me frozen in time as life passed me by. So, it's definitely time for me to book a one-way trip away from destination vacation.

The Long Road Home:

So, I'm in this space, I've been on vacation for a long time, taken life for too much the fool, but now I have to ship out of fantasy island. I love that I know how to let myself relax, how to give myself the grace to rest, but now I need to give myself the respect of working hard even when I get tired. So, Diary, another new adventure, more hard work, let's see if I can stay the course. Thank you for listening.

Sincerely,