Dear Dad

My post on Miraquill tells me that I wrote this exactly 209 weeks ago. Google tells me the date was June 25, 2018 (somewhere around Father’s Day for that year). I decided to move it to Simily untouched & raw. Why? Because this poem marks the beginning of me trying to truly understand my father for the first time in 21 years. 

There was a time
When I tried escaping
Trying to find my way out
Ignoring the way I was
Ready to break every boundary
To escape the rage
And fatality.

I blamed you for being too busy
I accused you of being too strict 
I condemned you
For not being the father I missed

I look back today
And the balance weighs
Proving every doubt wrong
Enlightening my naive brain.

The truth is I feared responsibility
For carrying your nature
That was ingrained in me.
Alas! all these years
What I thought was a weakness
Was actually a strength too deep
To be seen.
 

Context:

My father & I have a lot in common. Growing up, witnessing my father’s dominant & demanding ways, I kept reminding myself not to become like him. I promised myself never to inherit his temper. I kept myself from being too emotional- because that was his nature. He wore his emotions on his sleeves. He was the blunt one who did not care about how his extreme criticism could affect the other person. 

I analyzed him in absolutes. I analyzed myself in absolutes as well. Not being dominant & demanding translated to being agreeable at all times & selfless. Not giving into my volatile temper became I-cannot-get-angry-at-all. This bred room for others to control me.

Where did this black & white thinking get me? Here- https://simily.co/all-stories/indianawilde/monster-unveiled/

I wanted a calm, collected partner- the complete opposite of dad. That roller-coaster of a relationship taught me many important lessons. One of the most significant ones was to acknowledge the existence of grey zones. It made me realize that the serious look on my face (as my so-called friends complained) kept people from messing with me. It made me realize that my way of thinking had led me to become a marionette in the hands of others. 

Above all, it helped me start seeing the better parts of me- the ability to acknowledge the negative traits & work on them. The guts to stomp down my ego & apologize. At the same time, be unapologetic for saying no to people who didn’t deserve it at the very least. 

Very few of my friends stayed back. The ones who did were undoubtedly the best. It even included those that I’d sabotaged my relationship with while chasing a love that didn’t exist- perfection that didn’t exist. 

The best thing that came out of those 11 months of horror was the transformation of my relationship with my dad. Our bond had been almost reduced to ashes. And it slowly began rising like the phoenix. Likes do repel. I was- still am my dad’s rebellious nightmare. 

But I do get glimpses of him being my biggest cheerleader behind my back. He still continues to underestimate me & criticize me. I’ve learned to accept he’s that being a gynecologist makes him that way. But I haven’t seen a happier patient than him while I injected his meds when he was down with COVID.