How is it that we somehow subconsciously manage to blame ourselves for the things we cannot control? I am talking about people and emotions here and I don’t mean to address any climatic rather, global catastrophes.

There are only two sources of expectations. Either someone expects something from you or you expect something from yourself. Now, I know I don’t need to be brilliant to deduce this but I wish to eliminate all room for assumptions that could breed ambiguity.

So, back to expectations. When they are fulfilled, the accomplishment will encourage you like nothing else in the world and your confidence gets a major boost. Nothing seems unachievable. On the contrary, if something happens that those very expectations find a route deviating from your set plans, it takes a split second to fall under the impression that everything is falling apart. The conclusion — ‘My life is over and I am a failure’, seems to quickly catch up to the present.

So why am I writing all this? Who wants to read about the same old same old?

Accomplishments and achievements aside, let me share the list of my failures starting from as far as I can remember.

I am from India and from city to city, the language changes a bit. My mother tongue is Hindi. I have been laughed at for my English language proficiency more than I can count. I scored 53% in my graduation. 75% marks are considered average. I failed to clear IPCC three times. It’s the second level of one of the toughest courses in the world, Chartered accountancy. I failed the actuaries entrance exam, ACET. I scored 58 percentile in CAT. And now recently, I failed the second level of CMT for the third time. And these are just my academic failures. I don’t have the heart to mention ALL my failures I suppose 😉. And every time I failed to pass, I reached the conclusion I mentioned above every single time.

My family was always there and I have always had their support. But for most of the time, I was with my thoughts and they were not what could be tagged as positive or supportive. It does sound foolish now when I look back, consumed in all that darkness when all that was ever there was light…

‘The path you seek.’ Photo by Stephen Leonardi on Unsplash

I realised something later on. I saw darkness because I was seeking darkness. Only if I would have just thought about looking for the light I would have seen it. It would have saved me a lot of time I wasted drowning in nothingness.

Support is important. You need people who believe in you. How many are plenty? You ask. One is enough. All that is left now is to believe in yourself.

Because everyone is good at something. And we must never stop looking for our sake. I will never stop looking. However naive and unpragmatic it may sound but, life is all about discovering yourself first and this search is perennial.

Just never stop looking and you shall find it. This is not my Optimism or imposed positivity talking. It’s simply my confidence in myself, that I WILL find it.

Carelessly woven expectations and the weight henceforth