Raise your hand if this has ever happened to you.
You observe yourself binge watching TV shows or something just as stupid, and you know you’re going to feel like crap about it later, but you still can’t help but keep doing it anyway.
Then you have to sulk through the reality where you have to live with the consequences of your actions.
You partied, and now you’re stuck with an exploding headache. You delayed project work, and now you have bad grades. You stayed in an abusive relationship, and now you’re alone and depressed.
We walk right into these traps, knowing there were signs and warnings deep down; we fall into them, crack our butt, heart, or whatever, and begin a seemingly endless cycle of self-harm.
Are we hard-wired masochists or what!
It’s bizarre how cruel we are, especially to ourselves. So how do we stop this? How do we stop embarrassing ourselves and escape the life-cycle of disappointments?
The answer is in the ability to act. To be able to do something to change it.
Here are some roadmaps for that:
A Deadly Simple and Reliable Truth"
The world I saw made more sense once I realised this. What is that, you ask? I, you, we all, looooove ……self-harm.
That sounds morbid, but we derive perverse pleasure from disappointing ourselves. There’s no other reason why almost all of us navigate life this way. It provides emotions that help you cope and navigate life, albeit ineffectively.
Over time, we victimize and emotionally love the messed up self-image that is reinforced by self-sabotage. Even if logically we could change it, we don’t.
I used to ask myself why I was screwing up. I wanted a magical answer to fall into my lap for this seemingly irrational behavior. I was disgusted and embarrassed by the person I became, but I was clueless about how to change. "Why am I acting this way?" green puke face emoji All the while, the truth I ignored was this: I wanted to be a loser.
Why would I do that? Simple. I get to be dull and sleep cry without having to do any kind of heavy mind-work. The negative behavioral trait was still a behavior of choice, nonetheless. You live "self-sabotage state" of life. Anytime you find yourself making bad choices, ask yourself, "What am I seeking out of this?"
For years, I lived below my potential. I did so because I was clinging to the identity of the "kid with potential." I wanted people to look at me and think, "ahhh... poor kid was talented indeed." Oh, I was living in Victimville, where trying hard means there’s a possibility to fail, so never try. Failing means I’m no longer talented, right? I’d lose the 'sharp kid’ status, you see.
I was seeking comfort in my own distorted self-image. Insecurities? That's my only character trait. Having to change my behavior meant living up to my potential and charting unknown territory in problem-solving and fighting insecurities. That might cut deep into my whole belief system---why even try when I can rest and disappoint myself with a bag of chips, instead.
What am I seeking out of this?
Questioning your motives helps you understand your behavior as well as others. Instead of scoffing at the behavior or being repulsed, ask yourself, "Why is this person doing this?" Also, ask yourself the same question when you misstep.
There are micro-reasons and answers that people comply with, often unquestioningly. But the main culprit is the same--we love this state of being.
The Devil Can Be Found When You Stand In Front of the Mirror
The one thing we are seeking from self-sabotage is --you get to remain you. All roads in life you don’t live, lead back to ego and identity preservation.
Say you call yourself a loser in every regard. Why would you maintain that identity? Simple, because of you to change you’d first have to admit that you wasted a big chunk of your life living the way you didn’t have to live. Admit that you had an alternative choice. That usually hurts like a b*tch.
We don’t want to admit that we have wasted time. Also, that big bag of chips has you probably addicted to it. You defeat yourself silently to avoid the pain of real defeat (don’t ask, it makes sense to me.)
You’d rather stay the same for the rest of your life than make the necessary change--to eradicate your current self. To change means, your old self to die.
Kill the old belief systems, deep-rooted social programming, and probably the excess misogyny. This death points out that you got tricked, and admitting that you have to start from a humble place, admitting that you don’t really know a whole lot of shit.
Spoiler alert--it doesn't feel good. As much as we love self-destructive habits, you can’t shake the idea that you could be doing more. Flipping yourself this way--somehow, holds a lamp of hope that change will happen.
You haven’t worked up courage yet because you are scared of change. You are not quite there yet. You haven’t yet taken steps against the self-disappointing state of your lifestyle.
Software Updates
Everything we do in life can be looked at through the lens of incentives and rewards. The less you treat yourself as an emotional being and more like a software of sorts, the better you'll be able to change.
Treat yourself like a programming system--how seductive, ha! Change the program and reward yourself that is better than the weird love affair you have with self-loathing. Usually, finding your purpose….serves the purpose (no pun intended :))
Nothing fit this better reward system than self-disappointment, until I started writing. Lucky for me, I found my new love-interest. The process is going to be different for each one of us.
You’ll not only find the thing, but you’ll also have to do it long enough to reprogram the self-disappointment cycle like you normally used to.
How do you pull it off? Well, by doing a satanic ritual... Just kidding. By aligning your strengths and deep-seated fondness, reading books when curious.
Oftentimes, true grief in life can cause a switch. Life be like, "Screw you, what you’re seeking doesn’t justify living like this."
But people rarely experience that level of pain. We usually deal with dull-pain, low-level anxiety that is just enough to end after the deadline is over. It hurts just enough to perform an action, but not sharp enough to change your whole life.
It’s a cruel trap. Like the frog sitting in a boiling pot doesn’t jump because the heat rises ever so slowly.
The best you can do is externally stimulate reminders of life getting wasted. Realize that it’s not cheesy or dramatic to think you’re throwing away life. Change what you’re seeking.
When you follow the path of change, you escape the usual disappointment. You start feeling powerful because not many people can exert the willpower to change reality, but you are.
You feel like you have this secret recipe for life. You feel a deep level of pride because you didn’t let your best version down. You gave the best version of yourself a chance.
There is no better thing to seek for.
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