Is
Indeed a good feeling, because I am in love with Autumn.
While I listen to a beautiful fairytale melody, I remember the things that happened to me last year. It’s because today’s the second day of Mercury Retrograde. When that period falls upon me, I shut down from the outside world more than usual. The Nostalgy for the Summer always comes to me at the beginning of September, when most of my family members have their birthdays.
While doing my nails in a nude color to calm down, I overthink, let go of old painful memories, and clear my head about the past mistakes, and treatment I did and met.
Humans are interesting creatures – they use and lie to the ones they love the most.
However, I sat again yesterday on the beach, watching the sea waves with nostalgia for my past year, which was not one of the best in my life but taught me a lot about brave walking to the unknown, the start of being a single mother by choice, and the reasons I have not found the true love and may not find it romantically.
Connecting with the waves, I felt like I am a drop in the neverending sea that calms my mind, running in the race between many thoughts, situations, and ideas to resolve problems. Sometimes, loneliness hits me hard and brings no inspiration.
But it gives me another clear point of view and a reason to forgive the past mistakes of my old self and the people I have met in my life.
My post today will not be like my usual one to give analysis and reasons. I do not look for them, but I share my thoughts because, after all, the blog I made is to show that people are not alone in their lives. There is always someone out there who goes through the same experience and gives an idea of how to overcome sadness, pain, or a broken heart.
I understand very well what it’s like to be alone physically when there is no one to reach. That is why I went online to feel not so damn lonely and show there is a virtual hand, at least.
Looking vulnerable is a risky thing, but it makes connections deeper. There are three things I hate in my life the most: looking weak, showing vulnerability, and being sick. Usually, I cut off ties from the world, protecting my heart from more damage because it’s everything I own. Explanations will not solve anything in these periods.
People know well what they want from the first time they meet each other, but it takes time for them to decide how to end or begin a connection.
Ghosting will not give closure between two people but is a great way to slow down the inevitable process.
It’s better to say straight “no” than to give false expectations – they will be in the loving heart forever until see-through actions the negative reply – I saw them for a long time, refusing to accept them until yesterday.
The sea whispered in my ear, metaphorically speaking, that I should move on from that deep pain from the last year’s situation because everything I hope, in terms of love and financial abundance will not happen. I should forgive everyone for everything they did to me, and to myself too. The most challenging part is self-forgiving because many people think they do not make mistakes or take no responsibility for them.
The Nostalgy for the Summer
Many people indeed love Summer, but I see it as a heating period, in which everywhere is crowded, and the sweating is too much. But there is a sweetness in summertime flirts, and I experienced them for the first time in many years these three months. The nostalgia of meeting someone who invited me on a date, and it wasn’t me doing the first steps toward someone for the first time in my life, was intoxicating.
Women like to feel chased and wooed.
It was tiring to replay the old pattern of chasing males who broke up with me after a while, saying: “You’re just a friend,” because they never saw me as a woman, but as a fun toy.
The fault was mine because I allowed that treatment – it was sweet when someone paid me attention. It’s an old’s world’s pattern – people want to feel they matter for who they are. The blurring line, in my case, was that I lacked a male’s attention, and thought every male who said I am sexy, beautiful, etc. had feelings for me. Of course, that is not true.
Today I am not like that easy prey anymore – it was self-humiliating.
The thrill of speaking with an old flame of mine for many hours was also inspiring. There is a saying a woman should have one love that did not happen but gave her happiness she met her soulmate and experienced deep feelings, even if they are platonic.
That was my hope for a love story that could begin 20 years ago, but it did not. I looked to find it again, but now I know it will not happen because tango takes two with shared feelings. Some things might never happen, and it doesn’t matter how good they could be. The crushes I got, are good men who never gave me a chance to be their woman because in their eyes I was not.
In my lonely life, that was bliss, but as everything good ends, that finished too. It is a part of life’s cycle that will not change and brings happy memories that fuel the person to move forward.
While watching the sea waves, I thought a lot about my past relationships. The men loved me the best way they can, but our love languages were different, or maybe distant. These men loved me truly, madly, and deeply in their way. That is something that I understand now, looking back on the past. I maybe will not have a love like that anymore in the future. I told you before that Universe gives the appropriate karma to everyone. Accepting the consequences of my immature person’s actions brought me new life lessons.
However, I am not desperate even if I sound like that a bit, because I give all my love to my child, blog visitors, poetry readers, and Zumba students. Life goes on, and my schedule is almost fixed. Sticking to it will give me better performance with responsibilities and actions. For now, I put aside my feelings because they grounded me in the past. I believe is time to let go.
Don’t you think?
My Romantic nails daydreaming
I love doing my nails, they are like a part of my defense or self-boosting tool, depending on my mood. In the Autumn, which I am in love with, I prefer to stay at home, reminiscing summer months like a typical homebody drinking tea or red wine, writing poetry, and listening to Jazz.
My tendency to fantasize about past lovers of current crushes gives me good inspiration to write romantic stories in my head, but nothing comes to reality because I decided not doing the first steps toward anyone anymore. I feel heartbroken, used, and misunderstood after making the first call or sending the message. It is like begging for attention, which I believe is mandatory when I gave signs and there is a positive feeling from the other side toward myself.
Dating and communicating are two-way-sided. People have their pride, dignity, and feelings to save. If there is a one-sided reaching out, there is no connection. These were the lessons I learned from my past love experiences. I believe between both people who care for each other there is nothing like “I have no time.”
My schedule is also packed, but I find time to write or call. It seems I am not important enough to those with whom I want to communicate. Another of my life’s mottos is “Actions Show All. Inactions too,” and I stick tight to it.
It is better to daydream while doing my romantic nails in the nude color than to fight for a lost cause in a doomed-by-choice relationship that the one person feared to even try.
The heartache will heal with time, tears, and sea waves energies. After all, the best romantic stories are written by people who gave their everything for someone else, lost themselves, and recollected in the name of love. It may be imaginary, but it is worth enough to write a bestseller that inspires the readers to move on, searching for true love and overcoming their limits in pursuing it.
One of my best friends said it’s like a lottery to find mutual love. Today, I believe that is not the reality, but the eyes that lack to see it, and hearts that do not open to receive it.
Summer passed by in my younger years, and now I look for the Autumn I am in love with – my middle age too.
What will be?
Thank you to all that read me and those who don’t do it anymore. Both outcomes gave me realizations.
Sources:
Art And Nostalgia – Romanticism