Five minutes ago, I finished crying. Five minutes ago, I was sobbing my little heart out feeling like the lowest of the low. Depression has me in its grasp, and no matter how much I try to think positively and control my emotions — something will trigger me deep into the depths of despair.
I expect you’re wondering what happened to make me feel this way, and my answer to that is — LIFE.
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We all struggle in life. We all have good and bad days. Nobody on this planet is 100% perfect. Anything can trigger an emotional reaction, whether that’s:
Family life/family disputes
Work
Friendships
School
Relationships
Anything
In my case, it’s relationships, family life, and friendships. My life has always been one big emotional rollercoaster. I suffered anxiety throughout my childhood, and I also had to witness my mother’s dysfunctional and often abusive relationships.
I struggled so hard to make and keep friends, I was terrified of dying, I was bullied relentlessly at school, Illnesses tormented my entire family, and I grew up without a solid father figure until I turned 16, which was when my mum remarried, I also spent every hour I could alone in my bedroom — surrounded by all the little comforts that made me feel better about myself.
It was such a tough time and not something I’d ever want to experience again. I’m not saying it was bad all the time because I was raised by a loving family filled with lots of happy and heartwarming memories. However, we were just dealt some pretty tough cards in life, and we never seemed to catch a break. But, we got through it and carried on the best we could.
I’ve felt insecure throughout my life. I had zero confidence, and my anxiety was often at an all-time high, but I wasn’t a quitter. I tried my best to make the best of it and soldier on the best I could, no matter how depressed and anxious I felt. I still soldier on to this day despite my frequent breakdowns.
I’m on anti-depressants and they have made a difference, but just because I’m on tablets doesn’t mean my brain is fixed. If something triggers me, I’ll lose my shit and sob into a tub of Haagen-Dazs, up until the point when I’ll fall into an emotional food coma, giving into yet another burden — my ever so lovely binge eating disorder. I then wake up minutes later feeling worse than ever.
Having anxiety on top of depression is like the cherry on the top. Having regular arguments with my partner is not only debilitating, but I also begin to panic that he’s either going to leave me, My neighbors will knock on the door to tell us to keep it down, or I’ll end up suffering a heart attack due to the immense stress.
So not only am I working through my depression, but I’m also tackling my neverending anxiety at the same time.
Sowhat happened today to make me sob uncontrollably?? A slight disagreement with my partner over barely anything. He’s always been very supportive of me, ever since I reluctantly exposed my difficult childhood. However, sometimes I can fly off the handle over something so insignificant, and today it was all over him complaining that the dishes were stacking up and he had no clean pan to cook his breakfast in.
Yes, he works extremely hard. Yes, whenever he’s home, he does help out around the house and with our son. However, what he doesn’t understand is that my depression can abruptly take over my body, making it extremely difficult to gain the right amount of energy to blitz the entire house.
It’s not because I’m lazy and unclean. It’s because I can sit on the floor in the middle of the room with my head in my hands among piles and piles of clean laundry — completely overwhelmed, contemplating throwing it all in the corner of the room before crawling into the bed to sleep the entire day away.
So this morning, my mum decided to take our son to the park so me and my partner were home alone, and that’s when the argument started. I did say some hurtful things because I don’t know about you — but I can’t handle being criticized sometimes, especially when I’m feeling talked down to or patronized in some way.
So he started ranting about the cleaning and how miserable I looked, so I let rip and said some pretty harsh things. One thing about me and my partner is that we will argue to the point where all our built-up frustrations will come out, and we will both say pretty hurtful things to each other.
He said I often seem like a cold-hearted bitch sometimes — and that’s when I lost it. For afew moments, I sat alone taking in everything he said, and the thing is, he’s right. I honestly don’t blame him for thinking this because I would think the same thing if I was him.
I also don’t blame him for calling me a bitch because we all lash out and call each other names during arguments, I don’t know any couple that doesn’t.
I can act like a bitch, and I think I know why. I’m obviously not an expert, but I can pretty much sum up why I act the way that I do. So here’s my theory……
- When I was growing up, I was often very isolated. I was an only child who spent most of the time chilling in my bedroom, watching movies instead of playing outside with my friends.
- I witnessed my mother’s extremely toxic relationship on a day-to-day bases. This man was what you could call a grade A asshole. He physically and emotionally abused my mother, and after he left, I had to watch her suffer a very intense breakdown. She cried every night, she had no self-confidence, and it took her many years to begin dating again.
- Being so young — I saw and heard a lot of things children shouldn't have to witness.
- Throughout school, I was bullied relentlessly. I was shouted at, teased, they would hide my things, they would prevent me from gaining an education — basically, they made my life a living hell.
- I had absolutely no self-confidence, and I still don’t. If somebody says, “You’re so pretty,” or “You’re amazing,” I’ll laugh it off and immediately shake my head, telling the person not to be silly because I’m not amazing in the slightest.
- We once had a neighbor who was very close to me and my mother. She looked after me sometimes when my mother had to work. She was diagnosed with cancer, and after two stressful upsetting years, she sadly passed away, leaving us devastated.
- Our neighbor dying not only broke my heart, but it also made me terrified of dying myself, which caused tons and tons of anxiety.
- I suffer from social anxiety, and I struggle to make and keep any real friendships. Standing around having a normal conversation doesn’t come easy to me. I’m awkward as hell.
- When I’ve opened up to any friends I’ve had, they all abandon me in the end. I tell them I suffer from depression and anxiety, and they all promise to stick around, but when I cancel plans because I’m feeling too overwhelmed to step outside, they get fed up eventually. We won’t fall out or anything — they’ll just slowly drift away from me, neglecting to answer my texts, phone calls, or anything. Then I’ll scroll on social media — hating myself because I see them all out having fun, and I’m stuck indoors feeling anxious and depressed.
I feel that this has all contributed to my behavior as an adult, and it sucks. As I said earlier, it wasn’t dreadful, I was still very well looked after, and we did have a lot of love in our family.
However, things happened, and I feel like I didn’t process everything as well as I should've.
I never talk about certain things that happened or any of the things I had to witness. During our argument this morning, I revealed a couple of things that my partner never knew, and he was shocked. I could’ve told him these things before, but it’s as if I felt too embarrassed to open up and let myself be vulnerable.
I often shut down during arguments — not always because if I feel like I need to defend myself, I will. However, most of the time, I’ll sit and gaze into space while that person insult’s me. I also retreat sometimes when things get too much. I’ll gladly isolate myself from the rest of the world by watching movies, listening to music, reading, writing etc.
I can be very defensive to the point where I completely lose my mind over the stupidest things. I’ll go over and over a particular comment for hours until I feel satisfied enough that I’ve fully defended myself. I feel like this has something to do with all the mean and nasty comments I received throughout school.
So when my partner went off at me over the cleaning, I stupidly and over-emotionally reacted, and instead of resolving the issues calmly, I reacted in a way that made me seem like the ‘cold-hearted bitch’ that he said I was.
Truth is, I’m not at all. I’m a nice kind-hearted person, who will do anything for everyone.
I thought that seeing my mother defend herself daily was something I had to do when people would verbally insult me, and these days I do. I will defend myself and give as good as I get. I had years and years of keeping quiet and letting others talk down to me, so yes, I will defend myself and possibly act like a bitch in the process.
I spoke to my partner and really opened up to him today because I hate the thought of him suddenly drifting away and hating me. I explained that I don’t mean to be so horrible, it’s just I’ve always felt like I had to act this way. I used to retreat to my room and hideaway because I needed to either run away from confrontation or I needed space.
I explained that when I feel depressed, I can feel extremely unmotivated, I also feel incredibly hopeless and lost, I struggle to remain positive, and everything around me becomes foggy and hazy, all I want to do is sleep the day away, so the last thing I feel like doing is blitzing the place. I know it looks like I’m being lazy and sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but I’m really not.
We had a very long discussion, and It was probably one of the best talks we’ve had in a long time. We both promised to do better. I promised to stop acting like such a bitch sometimes, so instead of flying off the handle, I’ll try to take a step back and think about the situation, and he’s also promised to try his best to understand what I’m going through.
I think he's already started because I caught him googling ways to help me.
It’s especially difficult sometimes because I’m a mum, and I try my absolute best to NEVER let my son see me this way. Whenever he’s around, I immediately brush my feelings aside and paint on a smile because I would hate for him to ever have to feel the same way as I do.
He has a very fun, social, and happy childhood. He’s shielded from any negativity, and he’s never subjected to any of the things that I was as a child. We talk regularly, and he knows he can always, always come to me or his dad with any problems he may come across in life.
That’s the only thing I ever wanted. When I found out I was pregnant, I promised to give him a much happier life than I had as a kid, and I’ve stuck to that promise, he’s totally different from what I was, and I love seeing that.
It’s just his anxious, depressed mother that’s the problem. But I will not let it ruin and destroy me, Instead — I’ll try my best to fight through it.
After all the drama, I asked for an hour to myself in the bedroom where I watched some tv, and then it happened. I held my hands over my face and cried uncontrollably, trying my best to remain as quiet as possible.
One: I didn't want my son to hear
Two: I just wanted space to be alone for a while. I didn’t want my partner trying to comfort me. Don’t get me wrong, that would be a really lovely thing for him to do, but I just wanted to try my best to control myself and gain my composure because that’s how I learned to self-soothe growing up, and it’s something I will probably always do.
I’ve taken several bathroom breaks throughout the day, not because I needed the toilet, but because I just had to cry. It’s like I opened a gate, and I couldn’t stop. I suddenly remembered everything that I’d dealt with over the years.
Eventually, I let my partner comfort me, and I proceeded to sob in his arms. I even went as far as saying nobody loves me, nobody cares, and I’ve always felt so unwanted in life — I haven’t, I’ve always had support around me.
As I’m writing this, I keep thinking about all those times I was hiding away in my bedroom listening to all the arguments, the fights, or that asshole destroying the furniture. I’d hear my mum sobbing in her room, and I would try to comfort her, but she told me to leave her alone for a while. So I went back into my room, and that’s when I felt unwanted.
I eventually calmed down, and now I’m suffering a pretty bad headache as I’m writing this, but I had to, I needed to. Writing is like free therapy for me, and before I sat down to write this, I was still feeling incredibly down, but now I’ve got it all out — I honestly feel so much better.
So yeah, that was my day, full of heartache and emotions. I’m hoping that after I’ve had a goodnight’s sleep — I’ll feel much better in the morning.
Thank you for listening to me write my troubles away ♥
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