How To Get Over Being Dumped With Your Dignity Intact
A guide for the next couple of months
If you have been dumped, there is no real way to make that painful feeling go away. It takes time, healing and processing.
Why? Because being dumped sucks. It doesn’t matter if you had seen it coming or if it was unexpected.
If you have been dumped, there is no real way to make that painful feeling go away. It takes time, healing and processing.
Why? Because being dumped sucks. It doesn’t matter if you had seen it coming or if it was unexpected.
Getting dumped is fear, rejection, loneliness and grief all rolled into one. The moments after send you into an existential spin, and as a result, you question every part of your life.
It was a Thursday night. There I was standing outside his house, pleading with him to give us another chance. Before that night, I had never thought he would dump me. We would grow old and grey together, surrounded by our grandkids and farm animals.
When the break-up happened, I did all I could to make him change his mind.
And by all, I mean I put my pride and dignity aside.
Looking back at my younger self, I wish I had acted differently. Yes, it was my first heartbreak and I didn't have a frame of reference to act on.
But there are things I would have avoided. I would have gotten over him faster and healed my broken with my head held high.
Don’t beg your ex to stay
You might be tempted to beg them to stay. But don’t. It’s demeaning and counterproductive.
Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Begging lessens their respect for you and tells them that you’ll be right there waiting if they ever decide to come waltzing back into your life.
When my first boyfriend dumped with me, I panicked. That night represented the end of my dreams, hopes and a future filled with 2.5 kids, a picket fence and a puppy named Simba.
The words “It’s not you, it’s me”, sounded like try harder. And so I did. I waited every night, for one week, outside his house, I left him hand-written love letters, called his brother to intervene on my behalf and walked beside him on his way to his school bus each morning.
Granted I was 19 years old, but the end of that relationship signified the end of my life as I knew it.
Looking back now I see the folly of my ways. Not only did begging lessen his respect for me, but it also lessened my self-respect.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned — in romance, friendship, professional relationships- is that you’re not responsible for anyone else’s thoughts or behaviours.
What to do instead: As difficult as it may be, it’s important to accept that the relationship is over. Denial will only elongate your mourning period and make moving on a whole lot harder.
Take time to reflect on the relationship. Take time to reflect on the highs and lows. Reflect on lessons you can take with you to the next relationship and how to take steps forward, not backward.
Don’t contact your ex for casual sex
I get it. Sex with your ex is familiar; they know your preferences, fetishes and turn-offs. They know what to say and do to turn you on. But as tempting as it may be, avoid it. Contact with your ex is not how you get over the pain of the heartbreak. And that includes sex. The temporary satisfaction isn’t worth the extra pain.
What to do instead: Channel the pain through constructive and helpful ways. Engage your mind in creative outlets. Make something. Bake, knit, play an instrument, write poetry. If you enjoy the outdoors now is the time to get outside and connect with nature. Go for a run, join a Zumba class or go hiking.
When you channel your pain in a constructive manner, it gives you back a sense of control. This is important at a time you feel helpless and vulnerable.
Don't turn to booze or drugs to ease the pain
Wine, tequila shots, beer and drugs might appear to lessen the pain. Yet we all know it’s not the best way to deal with heartbreak.
My 19-year-old self couldn’t handle alcohol too well. Multiple shots of tequila led to a night of wild partying, tears and throwing up. The hangover sunk me to new lows.
Drugs and alcohol give a bit of euphoric feeling and help with inhibitions. It makes you numb to the pain. This can trick you into thinking that your sadness and anxiety are being managed. But once this sensation wears off, your feelings can feel more intense.
Throw in the increased risk of drunk-dialing your ex, or making out with a stranger, and you see why it’s best to nix the idea of hardcore drinking.
What to do instead: Reach out to a supportive friend and talk things over. If none of your friends is available to you right now, write down how you are feeling. Putting the emotions down on paper separates you from their intensity.
Writing is cathartic and therapeutic. When you put your emotions down on paper, you free yourself from the hold they appear to have over you.
Don't damage their property
The anger and rage from being dumped can turn you into an irrational and vindictive person.
I should know. I once cut up all of an ex’s clothes: the pants split through the middle and the sleeves off all his shirts. Then, delivered them with a smile to his doorstep. Not my proudest moment, I must admit.
You might be inclined to run a key along the side of their car or smash their expensive remote or crush their laptop screen. Please don't.
As sweet as revenge might sound, it won’t solve anything or make the pain go away faster. Plus, it’s illegal.
What to do instead: The mature thing to do is to take the high road. Focus on bettering yourself instead. The best kind of revenge post-breakup should be all about you, not your ex.
Now is the time to take that class you have been postponing. To pick up a new hobby or to volunteer. There is no sweeter revenge than being happier, healthier, and more successful than you were during your relationship.
Don't make important life decisions when you are in the throes of heartbreak
I am all for being empowered and steering your own destiny. I believe we should take charge and chart the course of our lives. We need to be actively involved in decisions that affect the quality of our lives.
But, not immediately after being dumped.
You are emotionally raw, a little impulsive with low self-esteem. This is not the time to make decisions with major long-term effects. These include getting a tattoo, plastic surgery or quitting your job to backpack across Europe.
What to do instead: Do something frivolous and fun. Rearrange the furniture in your house, repaint your walls. Spend the day in your pyjamas and watch trashy reality T.V
Do something that doesn't need a lot of planning. Give yourself permission to take things easy for a bit.
Don’t neglect your health and self-care
Taking care of yourself has never been optional, but until a break-up, it may not have been something that you’ve done deliberately.
Emotional pain can lead to a downward spiral of self-neglect. Your sleep, diet and appearance might feel like too much to keep up with. Between the newly formed intimate bond with carbs, binge-watching of series and snuggling on the couch your self-care quickly goes out the window.
It is okay to wallow in self-pity and sadness for a bit. To play the sad songs and bowl your eyes out to a Nicholas Sparks movie.
But, don't let this become your new normal.
You can be sad and still smile. You can be lonely and still enjoy your own company. You can grieve your breakup and still live life to the fullest.
What to do instead: Schedule misery time. A time dedicated to crying and being miserable. Turn your phone off, play the music and mourn your lost love. In a way that feels right to you.
When the time is up, turn the music off, stretch, take a shower and smile. Remind yourself that there is life beyond this moment. Remind yourself of the other love relationships you have in your life- your family, your best friend, your pets, and your hobbies.
Focus your mind on the good that is in your life despite the heartache. Whatever you are going through, no matter how bad it seems, you are still allowed to feel good.
Self-care does not negate heartbreak.
Don’t keep mementos of them in your house
Their favourite shower gel, the grey sweat pants they always wore, the sweater you borrowed but never returned. It’s time to put them away. Having reminders of your ex around your house brings back a flood of memories, and keeps you stuck in the past.
What to do instead: Take their pictures off the wall. Pack away their clothes, books and any cute videos of the two of you on vacation.
Donate what you can, give the sentimental items to friends for safekeeping or stash them away in a closet.
And whatever you do, don’t call your ex to come and collect their stuff. While seeing them might spark some joy, it only clouds your ability to move on.
Don’t hang around common territory
It was hard for me to get over my first boyfriend. We had lived next to each other for years, attending the same kindergarten, primary school and church. Not only were we neighbours, but we had the same group of friends, we frequented the same clubs and our parents were colleagues.
Every time someone mentioned his name, I wished I would disappear. In the end, my saving grace came when he transferred to a sister campus abroad.
But not before I decided to avoid common areas and friends. I knew his favourite bar, the time he liked to play basketball and where he hang out when he didn’t have classes.
I created a new routine that reduced the number of times I would bump into him.
What to do instead: When you are newly single, the sight of your ex can induce heartache. It can send you down a dark and lonely path of rumination and brooding. Spare yourself the pain by avoiding places they frequent.
You can’t change the fact that you got dumped. You can’t change your ex’s mind or actions. You can't undo the decision. No begging, threats or cajoling will make them return to you. You can't convince them to regret their decision.
The next couple of days will be a rollercoaster of emotions. Your self-esteem will plunge and life will lose its spark.
By walking away with your head held high, by being deliberate in your self-care, by engaging in creative activities and creating new routes and routines you are setting yourself on the right path.
Avoiding these mistakes might help you move on from what you once considered to be your dream relationship.