Dear Diary,
If I'm being honest, I don't know who I want to be. I've spent years on autopilot, just trying to make it from today to tomorrow again and again. My parents haven't shown me much about how to be someone of substance, when I look at them, I see souls just as lost as me. I don't know exactly what kind of person I should be aiming to be, but I know that it cannot be my current self because I'm exhausted, so let's try and take this entry by entry. To begin anew, there are things that have to be cut away, parts of my being that have left me this shell of a person living a shell of a life. So, let's start with this...
No More Wolves at the Gate:
The thing I detest most about myself is my pension for violence and conflict. Growing up, it seemed like the only lesson my parents could depart upon me was how to fight. How to harness anger into a tool to smite down any who dare become your enemy. I was always getting in trouble at school for fighting with students or arguing with teachers. I don't think my parents knew that departing that kind of anger onto a child leaves very little room for anything else.
Anger has been everything for me. It's been my strong rod, my confidant, my true north. I've never felt stronger in my life than when I've been able to best someone in an argument or fight. This is the first thing that I want to cut away. I have to believe that not everyone is against me, that I can be soft and vulnerable without opening myself up to attack, but life has taught me otherwise. That's the only problem.
How do I let go of something that made me a force of nature? That made me someone who cannot be hurt? I first have to start with realizing that while I haven't been hurt, I've also never gotten close to someone. I am unloved, even the people who say they love me don't really. They love the entertaining mask that I put on, but I see it in small moments. The moments where no one wants to have my back, where they can watch someone hurt me and not bat an eye lash. I'm not someone who evokes care, because I'm the rose that grew through concrete despite its lack.
So, that's the first on the list, I'm letting go of anger, I'm taking down the guards. I'm going to learn to walk away from battles, to choose peace, and lastly to stop expecting everyone to be my ally. I don't need allies because I'm not at war. I will relax my jaw, unclench my fist, let go of that bated breath. I do not have to be ready to fight anymore, I have to let go. Thank you, Diary, for listening!
Sincerely,
Me