Dear Diary,
Hello Diary, it's nice to finally meet you, I heard about you from my therapist a few years ago. In her words, I could benefit from meeting you because it would help for me to have someone, I felt I could talk to without having to "edit myself." I didn't listen to her of course, I am after all terrible at taking advice (especially my own). I figured I'd finally give you a chance though because I'm at the end of my rope.
You see, another thing my therapist taught me was that "life ebbs and flows." it's a never-ending cycle of ups and downs and while I was riding high on a summer at the top, I forgot that of course there had to be a drop coming.
When the Sh*t Hits the Fan:
So, it kind of began when my brother quit his job and moved back home, I was living in his old house and of course because he's the oldest, and the favorite, and he has a kid, everyone thought it would be best if I moved back in with my parents while he reclaims that home. I cried as I packed my stuff because, like the dreamer I am, I had hoped it would stay mine, I had just started to really get into a routine and actually was figuring out what I wanted to do but again another one of my dreams were deferred.
It's actually a cycle with me, having these big bright ideas and then never accomplishing them, so because it had happened yet again, I got depressed. I started eating at all times of the day just to feel full, because I was so empty. In the spirit of overconsumption, I happened to have a half gallon of apple cider that resulted in a 6-day diarrhea party (sorry for the TMI). I've had a pretty sh*tty month (pun intended) (ba dum tst).
The Last Straw:
There were a few things that had pissed me off, first and foremost the fact that my brother just quit his job with no notice, he quit on a Tuesday, and I had to move out on that SAME Tuesday. It was inconsiderate to me, but it also hurt so much that my parents didn't care when they judge everything I do. The second thing was the fact that my mom, being the control freak she is, started to have all of these plans for me and what we could do to "make it work" (P.S. YOU CAN NEVER "MAKE IT WORK" IT'S EITHER WORKING OR NOT!). The very last thing I was upset with is myself, I had spent months with my own place and still couldn't shake my depression enough to make the most of it, I'm still broke and unemployed (lol, not really laughing though).
But, here was the LAST STRAW! My brother is now frantically searching for jobs because as he put it to my grandmother (my granny not messy but she trusts my mom, who absolutely is) "what if I have to end up taking care of him?!" THAT WAS IT, that's when I realized that I'm going to have to become a completely new person, because now it's not about depression or childhood trauma, IT'S ABOUT REVENGE!
How fucking DARE he think he can get away with envisioning me as some fucking damsel he has to be responsible to take care of? News flash, he didn't "take care" of me when he used to fight me every day, he didn't "take care" of me when he's never paid me back money he borrowed, and he didn't "take care" of me when he decided to quit and put me out of a fucking house!!! I realize that I have allowed myself to become someone that even a COMPLETE ASSHOLE PITIES! UNACCEPTABLE!
Dear Diary:
So, I'm here, talking to you, because I am utterly alone, no one is going to come and save me, no one is going to turn my pumpkins into carriages or rags into dresses. I'm going to have to become my own hero, take a leap of faith into the unknown of discipline and sacrifice, and I could really use a friend to talk to. One who won't get frustrated with me, one who won't invalidate me, one who can't rush me to a solution (lmao!).
So, hello Diary, it's very nice to meet you, I'm a complete mess of a person. I'm homeless, jobless, and aimless! But I'm here, ready to talk, ready to change, and ready to do the work!
Sincerely,
Me