My childhood and teenage years were no walk in the park. So what’s my plan to combat this attitude — A positive, optimistic outlook.
Yes, I’m 34, I suffer anxiety, occasional bouts of depression, and a wide range of other health problems. I’m very good at hiding my emotions due to years and years of severe social anxiety, and I feel this has all led to my bad attitude towards life.
This afternoon I got to thinking about my past and how I was raised. I remember a childhood full of happiness and laughter, but also fear, anxiety, and family feuds.
Fear-
My mother had chronic asthma, which caused many weekly visits to the hospital, late-night ambulance visits taking my mother away, hearing my mum struggling to breathe, and having to wear oxygen masks. (For a child, this was terrifying.) I would lay awake each night in tears thinking my mum was going to die, and I would never see her again.
As I grew into a teenager, I had to witness my grandmother battle cancer and other family members’ heart problems. A close cousin of mine ended up in hospital battling pneumonia, and she was extremely lucky she got there when she did, or the unthinkable would have happened. So as you can tell, I practically grew up in and out of hospitals.
I saw so many sick people during my hospital visits. You all know the smell and sounds of sitting in an emergency room for hours on end, hoping and praying that your loved ones can get the help they need, so you can all get the hell out of there.
You see doctors and nurses practically running up and down the corridors during emergencies, hearing the beeping of the machines, people crying, shouting, and begging to go home, it’s absolutely horrific.
It’s no wonder I struggle enormously with health anxiety, and I’m terrified to the core of hospitals.
Anxiety-
Yes, good old anxiety. Something that has plagued me ever since I can remember. Aside from health anxiety, I also suffer social anxiety. You may not think it because I write about my whole life on medium for the world to see, but if you met me in reality, I’d be a nervous wreck, possibly mumbling, trembling, and trying my best to avoid eye contact.
During my teenage years, I was an outcast at school, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I was bullied rather relentlessly, and it was the most stressful time of my entire life. I despise bullying in any way shape or form, in my opinion, if you bully, you’re heartless, insecure, and a coward, trying to bring others down to make you feel good and powerful, but in reality you are weak.
I was terrified to go to school, I couldn’t eat, I was isolated, I had barely any friends, and my grades were dreadful. Some people wish they could go back to school, but not me, I couldn’t think of anything worse.
As I was growing up seeing my family members suffer various health issues, I began to develop extreme health anxiety.
A slight headache- A brain tumor
A stomach ache- an ulcer or appendicitis
Heart palpitations- heart attack
Sore throat- Throat cancer
Toothache- Tooth loss
I think you get the idea. These thoughts would race through my mind nonstop throughout the entire day, weeks, or months. It was constant and enough to keep me awake each night trying to come to terms with my make-believe illness.
I finally sought help for my anxiety after my son was born, and that was only because my partner begged me to. If he didn’t, I would probably still feel that way now. I’m not saying I’m cured or anything, I still have these thoughts, but over the years, with the correct medication and all the many ways I’ve learned to deal with it, I feel much better than I did ten years ago.
Family feuds-
I think every family has to go through this, don’t they? Two people refuse to be civil, and everyone else in the family has to live with the consequences.
Family events turn into hell on earth. There’s crying, shouting, and you vow to not attend a family event again — only to see each other a month or so later, and the entire process repeats itself.
My mother and father split up before I was born, and my mum dated a man who she remained with for five years. He was okay at first, but then he began to change. He would end up physically hurting my mum. He was an asshole.
I remember sitting in my room hearing them full-on screaming at each other, and it was horrendous. Having to witness what happened between them made me a nervous wreck. I had a hard time trusting anybody, I hated and still hate confrontation. Eventually, she left him, and after a while, she met another man who she has been with for years and years. They’re married and have a lovely life. I even call him dad which took me many years.
So with all that going on in my childhood and teenage years, is it any wonder my attitude sucks??
I had a rather emotional conversation with my partner the other night, and he reluctantly told me that he doesn’t understand why I often push people away. It’s as if I have a wall up, I’m guarded, defensive, and overly emotional.
If he knew everything I had to go through as a child, then I would feel slightly pissed off that he could even wonder why I am the way I am.
But that's my fault because I do have a wall up, he's actually right, and that is something I need to work on for his sake and mine.
He knows bits and bobs about everything I had to deal with, but some of it I have kept hidden. I think everybody does keep certain details about their life hidden, especially when you have anxiety because you feel slightly embarrassed at some things that happened. For me, it was the bullying and how I witnessed my mother’s dysfunctional relationship full of violence and anger.
I didn’t want to divulge details about how my bullies tormented me and how I stood frozen in fear, completely unable to defend myself.
He’s a strong-willed, extroverted, out-there, and altogether person. Sure he has had some experiences in his life, but he has overcome them. He now realizes that it's all in the past and no longer a factor in his life.
Whereas me, I can still remember conversations, the hospitals, the fights, the arguments, everything. It’s no wonder I push people away because I witnessed some dreadful things as a child.
Anyway, now you know what contributes to my bad attitude and anxiety. I expect you’re wondering how I’m going to try and change my way of thinking, to stop my past from coming back and biting me in the arse.
Misinterpret everything others do or say.
Of course, my anxiety strikes, and I think everyone’s out to attack me or put me down in some way.
I need to remember that I’m not a mind reader. I need to try not to assume what everyone is going to say or do. Anxiety makes me think everyone hates me, and I’m going to try my best not to let it. I will take some deep breaths and stop expecting the worst.
Carrying on silly grudges.
I’ll stay mad at people for as long as I can until they choose to apologize to me. Again part of this is due to my anxiety because I hate confrontation, so I don’t want to reach out first because I don’t want a full-blown argument.
So I’m going to try to let go and forgive because life is way too short for grudges, and I think we can all agree on that. The only person these ridiculous grudges are hurting is me.
Expecting bad things to happen
It’s constant. I’m doomed, nothing ever goes my way, and I’m thinking my whole world is about to fall apart at any given moment.
I’m going to accept that the universe just wants me to be happy and live the life I want, free from worries, stress, and anxiety.
People have been calling me out on my attitude
As I said earlier, my partner tells me my attitude stinks and I push people away. Well, if he’s thinking that, then god knows what others are thinking. So It’s on me to change my attitude by changing my way of thinking.
These are going to be difficult for me to achieve, but living life stress after stress is not healthy, and let’s face it I’m not getting any younger. I want a happy carefree life. Anxiety will probably think otherwise, but I will do everything in my power to shut that monster up and live the life I deserve.
If you are similar to me in any way then I hope this article was useful to you. Perhaps by showing you that you are not the only one who has been through these things, or you may wish to try and change how you think towards life. If so, good luck. ♥