9 Things Not to Say to a Survivor of Domestic Abuse

9 Things Not To Say To A Survivor Of Domestic Abuse

Understand that violence is about power and control.

For domestic abuse survivors, the world can be lonely, frightening, and isolating. It takes a lot of trust and courage for them to open up about what they endured. Abuse stripped their self-esteem making them believe they were to blame for the violence.

On the other hand, it is hard for friends and family to understand how severe their situation was. Because of this, they might struggle with how to respond when a loved one opens about their experience.

But when they do, it’s important to know what (and what never) to say.

Proceed cautiously and respectfully. Otherwise, your well-intentioned advice is likely to re-traumatise them and lead to further isolation and fear.

Thirteen years from the first beating, I spoke up of the abuse. As the veil of shame and self-blame lifted, I could speak of the experience with less guilt and fear.

But, I have heard some comments that were pretty damaging and hurtful.

Below is a list of things to avoid saying to a domestic abuse survivor.

1. Why Didn’t You Leave The First Time They Hit You?

Those who have never been abused often wonder why the victim did not just leave the first time the violence occurred.

But, it’s more complicated than it appears. The reasons for staying often evolve as circumstances change.

In the beginning, they believe that violence is a phase and it will pass. Maybe they also believe the remorse and apologies from the perpetrator. Sometimes the victim believes their behaviour will change the abuser — if they love the abuser enough or stop doing certain things the violence will stop.

Later when they have children together the victim stays for the sake of the children. They do not want to subject the children to the instability of a custody arrangement or the risk of homelessness. Often victims are financially dependent on the abusers so they cannot afford to provide for the children on their own.

Lastly, is the real threat of danger that victims face. Because abuse is about control and power. When victims leave they are taking away power and control from the abuser. This can cause the abuser to retaliate in very dangerous ways. Leaving can lead to more and greater violence.

A 2017 study found that 55% of the women killed by their ex-partner or ex-spouse were killed within the first month of separation and 87% in the first year.

What to say instead: You didn’t deserve what happened to you, no matter what.

Abusive partners often blame their actions on the victims. This chips away at their self-esteem and their grasp of the reality of the situation. Hearing this reassures them they are worthy of love and respect despite what the abuser did or said.

2. What Did You Do To Make Him Hit You?

This comment shifts the blame to the victim, not the abuser. It is difficult to wrap our minds around the reality of domestic abuse: it is deliberate, intentional, and pre-meditated. Abusers are fully aware of their actions and the effect it is having on the victims. It is much easier to blame the victim; to accept that their actions provoked the abuser. With the blame, they already carry this comment can do more than good. It causes the victim to continue the narrative of self-blame and guilt.

What to say instead: It’s not your fault. In relating to a domestic abuse survivor it is important to remember that abuse is about control, not anger. Domestic abusers are solely responsible for their behaviour. It is never the victim’s fault.

Instead, support the victim to rebuild their lives post abuse.

3. He Must Have Been Drunk When He Hit You.

This comment denies the reality of abuse as a pre-mediated deliberate act over a partner. Alcohol does not cause domestic abuse; the abuser is fully aware of their actions.

The cycle of abuse is a social cycle theory developed in 1979 by Lenore E. Walker to explain patterns of behaviour in an abusive relationship. Her research showed that domestic violence follows a pattern regardless of the socio-economic background of the victims.

What To Say Instead: Focus on the effects of the behaviour not the cause of the behaviour. Listen to the survivor, believe them, and assure them.

Offer the victim these assurances:

• I believe you

• This is not your fault

• You don’t deserve this.

4. Really — I Can’t Believe He Did That — It Seems Unlike Him

Because of their charming and manipulative nature perpetrators are often well respected or liked in their communities. The victim is the only one who sees the dark side of the perpetrator. Many times, others are shocked to learn that a person they know could commit violence. This prevents people from accepting the abuse and isolates the victim further.

What To Say Instead: This comment implies you do not believe the victim and can be very damaging. It’s super important that you listen to them, without being judgmental, offering advice, or suggesting solutions.

5. But Everybody Fights In A Relationship

Every couple has fights and disagreements. But, domestic abuse is not a fight. It is a deliberate control of one partner by another. It is about one partner trying to dominate the other through physical harm, criticisms, demands, threats, or sexual pressure. This behaviour can be very dangerous, frightening, confusing, and damaging.

What to say instead: I’m sorry this happened to you. Listen to them and let them vent their fears and frustrations. Ask them how you can support them during this time.

6. There Are Two Sides To Every Story

Before you jump to the defense of an alleged abuser based on your interactions with them, remember abuse thrives in secrecy. Abusers are always very friendly in public, known for a successful career and involvement in the community, but this is just a façade to mask their true character.

Understandably; it might be hard to accept that someone close to you is abusive. You might want to say, “I’m sure it’s not that bad,” or “everyone goes through bad patches” — but don’t. Because this minimisation of abuse mirrors what the abuser said to them.

What To Say Instead: It takes a lot of courage to confide about an abusive relationship. Even after leaving the survivor still lives in fear of retaliation. Listen and support them without judgment.

7. Nobody Can Treat Me Like That — Why Did You Let Him Get Away With It?

It can be hard to understand why someone would seemingly choose to stay in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. But, domestic abuse can happen to anyone, and abuse or violence of any kind is never the victim’s fault.

This comment shifts the responsibility of the abuse from the perpetrator to the victim. Domestic abuse often leaves survivors with low self-esteem, low confidence, and financially dependent on the perpetrator.

What To Say Instead: In supporting a victim; it’s important to tell them they’re not alone, and that the abuse was not their fault. Reaffirm that they are worthy of love and happiness, despite what happened to them.

8. I Know What You Went Through — I’ve Dated Real jerks Before, too.

It’s a common, natural reaction to reassure someone who’s disclosing what they experienced. You might want to say, “I have been in bad relationships too” or “everyone dates a jerk at one time” — but don’t.

Even if you have been in an abusive relationship, your experience is unique to you. It’s cruel to compare their suffering to yours.

Sure, anyone can date a person who treats them poorly. But domestic abuse is about domination, fear, and manipulation. It occurs because the abuser wants to control and manipulate the other person.

What To Say Instead: Ask them how the behaviour made them feel, validate their experience, and support them. Avoid comparisons as this minimizes their pain.

9. It’s Time To Stop Dwelling On It.

One of the most frustrating and upsetting suggestions I have been told as a survivor is to get over it. Because the consequences of abuse do not just end when you leave the abuser; the aftermath of abuse haunts you for a long time.

We can’t sweep the violence under the rug, and forget it ever happened. We can’t just be happy and ignore the continued effects of fear and anxiety on our lives. We can’t ignore the deep sense of regret over the years we lost during and after the abuse.

We can’t push the anger aside and forgive the perpetrators who ripped our hearts out and stomped on them for many years.

After being silenced by an abuser for so long, I and many survivors need to speak and write about the violence inflicted on us. Speaking up about abuse is not about wanting pity or sympathy, it is often cathartic and essential to healing.

What To Say Instead: Understand that any loss can trigger grief; even the loss of an abusive relationship. You mustn’t make the survivor feel that there is something wrong with grieving. Don’t criticise her for the conflicting emotions she is going through.

Comfort and support her during this time. If the victim asks you to do something specific and you are willing to do it, don’t hesitate to help.

Navigating the aftermath of domestic violence is horrible, draining, and often confusing. Before you judge a survivor for how they are handling their recovery, try to empathize with them and realize there is no correct, easy, or singular way to handle abuse.